About life and its unpredictability
If you had told me three years ago, that I would be a recently minted divorcee, I would have looked at you like you had an arm growing out of your forehead. The fact is, life comes at you fast.
I won’t go into the why, because truthfully it’s irrelevant. We had 15 years, and out of respect for those 15 years and for his side, I have told myself that I will never speak publicly or on social media about what led us to this path. Instead reserving those conversations for those in our inner circle, and/or those who are impacted directly by our divorce.
What I can say is this: When I first made the decision to divorce, I was absolutely terrified. I was in a new country, with my terminal illness mother. Not to mention I was 36 years old in a region that does not look favorably on older women or divorcees. I worried, fuck what have I done? I was giving up security. I wanted to be a mother and starting over and rebuilding again sounded so daunting to me. I was also giving up financial security of a dual income household.
Prior to this, I was what most would consider a kept woman. I was a housewife. I worked the majority of our marriage however we decided that the responsibility of my moms illness did not bode well with the demands of my job, so I decided to resign and focused on my full time caregiver duties. My life was cushy and plush. We lived in a beautiful compound in the middle of the city. I did not want for a single thing, materially.
However, I wasn’t happy. So I set myself on fire. I moved from busy, pinnacle of the world Dubai, back to the chilled, slow beach vibes of Oman. I needed a literal change of scenery. I needed less distraction. I wanted so badly to find peace.
The first three months post separation can only be described as darkness. What people don’t tell you is the divorce is much like a death. Because, 15 years is a lifetime, especially when you have known each other half of it. I grieved what we had, and I also grieved what would not happen.
I grieved the kids especially. I grieved the miscarriages and the years of attempts at conceiving. The names we picked. The plans we made as a couple. I grieved the idea of growing older together.. I grieved who we once were, the 21 and 23 year old who giggled and laughed through our vows at a San Antonio courthouse.
The thing is, when you first divorce you can’t see the forest for the trees. You have a hard time imagining what life will look like without this person. There’s so much uncertainty.
But what they don’t mention is the beauty. In tearing down my security, I was forced to sit and figure out my life. I was forced to take a hard eval at myself, my own unhealthy habits. And also for the first time in a long time I could focus solely on myself. What do I like? Because when you have been married for so long, most of your interests by proxy become we.
I went to therapy. I surrounded myself with friends. I started to become stronger in my boundaries and the type of personalities I wanted around me during this time. I started to think about the type of life I wanted to cultivate. What made me happy.
It got easier. Life became brighter. I stopped wearing my ring. I realized I continued to wear it bc I was too scared of Miss versus Mrs. Was that a look of pity by the hotel receptionist when she asked me if anyone else would be staying with me and I said no? I stopped wincing whenever I had to correct people when they referred to me as Mrs. I also realized being a married woman, and that title was a crutch in a lot of ways I wasn’t always aware of. I always considered myself a very independent person, but I realized that I had fallen into the respectability trap as well. On this side of the world, marriage is a form of social currency. It inks deals, it lands job offers, it opens doors.
Being married gave a certain level of status. So, then as a single woman how do I present as respectable? I became less self conscious about dining alone and wondering if people had pity on the woman sitting by herself at the café.
If I am really being honest, a lot of the reason why I delayed leaving my marriage was worrying what others thought of me. The social fallout. Looking back, its all so very shallow and superficial and..stupid.
However, things I have learned. Really no one gives a shit. What I mean by that is you must OWN your life.. I stopped worrying about people pitying me and started walking into rooms and owning them. My walk is now the sexiest its ever been. Lol.
Basically, I started to present myself like the full package. The doors still opened, the business deals still secured. If anything my story was the incentive for many an investment..
Dating wise, I realized very quickly I have nothing to worry about. Men like what they like and a lot of times they don’t give two flying figs about your marital/social status (divorced, widowed, kids…. If they like you they like you. ) In this season, I have been loved, I have been celebrated, I have been looked at like I was thee epitome of christmas morning. Men are simple. Avoid apps. Dress nice, smile often, listen, and carry yourself like a bad bish. The end. Lol.
This last year and some change, I can say unequivocally I LIVED. I mean liveddddd. I laughed, danced, cried until there was nothing left. I have had thee most amazing experiences. I feel the healthiest and the most contentment I have felt in years.
I have my moments, of course. When I see peers of mine still married and flourishing, it can make one feel insecure. However now instead of sadness, I am happy for them, and feel that my time will come again when God feels it is the divine time for me. This season of wonderful thinking has left me with one main lesson and that is letting go of control and welcoming the organic.
Until the next chapter…
blackariel 